March Madness: How to Handle Tantruming and Maladaptive Behaviors with Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder

Hi everyone! I hope everyone enjoyed the previous edition of The Parent Partner, about love and experiencing romantic love, familial love, and close-knit friendship, “What’s Love Got to Do With It!” That was a really fun episode to record, but now I wanted to take this month to talk about something more serious: anger, tantrumming, meltdowns, and anxiety that children with Autism Spectrum Disorder may exhibit when they are in new, stressful situations or when they do not get what they want.

I think it’s really important to first define what a tantrum is, and how it differs from a meltdown. Tantrum and meltdown are frequently used interchangeably, but they are not the same. Have you ever asked your kiddo to put away their video games until after dinner, to which they displayed intense screaming, crying, and even aggression? And then, when you gave in and let them have 10 more minutes, poof! It all stops. When children tantrum, it’s to garner attention from their parental figure or whoever is in charge at the moment (maybe teachers, babysitters, even peers). Believe it or not, your child is actually relatively in control of their emotions when tantrumming compared to a meltdown. Tantrums persist until they receive exactly what they want. Once they get what they want, the tantrum behaviors will come to an abrupt halt. On the other hand, meltdowns occur when your child has less control over their emotions. This is less about gaining access or attention, and is likely a consequence of overwhelm and/or overstimulation. 

Combatting Tantrums

When your child is experiencing a meltdown or exhibiting tantrum behaviors, the VERY first thing you need to do as the adult in the situation is prioritize safety. Before making this a learning moment, you need to make sure that the environment is safe. If your child happens to get something dangerous in their hand, remain calm and remove it quickly without providing any verbal stimulus that would escalate the current situation. Try to remove that item from out of their reach or out of their sight. 

Once the environment is safe, the next step is to remain calm. This is important because your child’s emotions are already heightened and you do not want to escalate. You can try to distract your kiddo with reinforcement (something they enjoy), like their favorite toy or a silly voice that usually makes them laugh. I would recommend having a few things on hand that you know your child likes, or items that could help them calm down (ie. a stress ball). Based on my experience within Applied Behavior Therapy (ABA) and Developmental Individual-Difference and Relationship-Based Model (DIR Floortime), I know there are multiple ways that this can be handled, based on your style and what the situation may call for. Within ABA therapy, the main way to discourage tantrums with the children I worked with was to limit your attention towards their maladaptive behavior. This means fully looking away from the behavior and not offering any verbal directions or even facial expressions in response to the behavior; even turning your gaze away and saying “stop that!” or rolling your eyes will give your children the impression that this is the appropriate way to get your attention and voice what they want. Why? Because it's working, they have your attention!

I can admit that this was very difficult to do at first, it's hard to ignore a full tantrum, but as long as they are not hitting, biting, or being physically aggressive towards you, you can ignore them and direct your attention to something else in the room. For safety reasons, I would not recommend leaving the room, especially if your child is young. Wait it out and when you see signs of de-escalation (quieter crying, less falling on the floor, etc.), you can calmly ask them to use the appropriate mode of communication. Remember, stay calm, that is the key! You can ask them “If you need something, use your words.” Keep it concise so they don’t get confused with all the fluff. If your child is nonverbal, let them know that their alternate way of communicating is better than tantrumming! If they have cue cards (one of the kiddos I worked with had cards for food, water, restroom, and toys), point to their cue cards to prompt them to use them. 

If they continue tantrumming, remove your attention again. This could be a long cycle, but do not give in! That will only let your child know that longer tantrums will get them access to what they want. Even if you are in the grocery store or the coffee shop, you cannot give in (ignore those stares that you might get from other people in public)! Once your kiddo de-escalates and communicates IN ANY WAY other than tantrumming (pointing at an item, using their words, showing you a cue card), celebrate! Give your child positive reinforcement and let them know you are proud of them for finding a new way to communicate with you. This is a step in the right direction!

Within DIR Floortime, I was encouraged to look within the relational aspects of development, so I did not use the same techniques as I did in ABA Therapy. I think the methods I used in ABA therapy may be better for if you have older children (I would say above 10 years old) who tantrum. One thing I had to become good at was talking to children about their emotions in real time while attempting to encourage empathy and consideration for other around them. For example, if a child I work with is tantrumming over something with their parents, I would ask " I wonder what we could do to compromise" or "How do you thing mom/dad is feeling in this situation?" This will help your kiddo get in the habit of thinking of others around them, while prompting them to learn self-advocacy through compromise rather than tantrumming to get something they want.

Handling Meltdowns

Helping your child through a meltdown is very different. Remember, meltdown behaviors are not for gaining access. Your child experiencing a meltdown because they are overstimulated or overwhelmed. In these situations, make sure to give your child a quieter space, to provide time to calm down and process their emotions. If meltdowns occurred frequently in the past, you may have a mental note of the few things that cause your child to have a sensory overload. This is great if you know what usually causes this, so for future reference you can avoid those things from occurring in the environment. For example, if you know that loud mornings when the TV is on, the kitchen items are clanking, and everyone is yelling and rushing around, it's best to minimize the noise once they are awake. This is called an antecedent manipulation, which is changing the environment to increase of decrease the likelihood of certain behaviors. In this case you are trying to minimize the chance of them becoming overwhelmed. Another way to use antecedent manipulation is to have their reinforcers on hand. Make sure you have their favorite toy or stress-reducing items to minimize the impact of these triggers around them. You can also create a 'safe space" for them with all of their favorite items! This can be a place they retreat to when they need to calm down and be alone.