Flexibility Makes You Strong!

Hi Parents! Welcome back to the Parent Partner. This month is all about flexibility! What it means for your kiddo, how it helps in their future, and why it ultimately makes them stronger than ever!

Last month I had surgery one week before I started my premedical post-baccalaureate program. I felt so distraught and upset that I was preparing for starting school again and a sickness could just sneak up on me like that! It forced me to slow down and rest, putting all of my plans off to the side.

I was ashamed, and almost convinced myself to roll out of bed and fight through the body aches to get more supplies, clean my room, and start learning ahead with the new material. But I had to be flexible and remind myself that I won’t get my best work done while I am sick, and that being flexible now will make me stronger and more prepared for the coming semester. This is something so hard for a lot of us to accept, especially kids with Autism. Many children with Autism rely on visual schedules and consistent routines, and straying away from exactly what they are used to can leave them feeling strung. 

What does flexibility mean? Flexibility is the ability to find solace and acceptance in a new situation. This is a choice for adults, but sometimes for children (neurodivergent or not), their feelings within a certain moment can become too big to bear, and it can be hard to accept this new experience. Remember when you were younger and your parents said you couldn't go to Mcdonald’s? I remember it used to feel like the end of the world! But as you grew older, you became used to the fact that you could not have Mcdonald’s whenever you felt like it, and that you sometimes just had to accept that. 

Believe it or not, that made you strong! It’s important to teach your child with Autism to think the same way. Remember, some of the events that seem very big for them may be very unimportant for you in your daily life, such as taking a new route to the grocery store. We (as the adults) have already developed the mindset and experience to overlook and overcome these situations. But for a child with Autism, a new route to the grocery store may actually be very distressing and unpredictable. 

"How can we coach them through that?" you may ask. One thing my father used to say to be all the time is "the best way to get good at doing stuff, is by doing stuff." That could not be more true! You need to help your child lean into situations where things may not be going their way, and help them progress through that! Here's an exemplar scenario I can provide:

Scenario:

You (the parent) have been dying to change up the kitchen towels. You to go Target and find a nice assortment of green kitchen towels with abstract patterns, very new and different from your usual plain white ones. You go home and put the green towels around the kitchen area. Your child walks in and asks why you changed the towels, and you explain to them that you wanted to spice up the look of the kitchen. You ask if they like it and they say no. Your child continues to question you about the towels, and then picks one up and throws it on the ground saying "I want the old towels!"

What do you do in scenario 1? What I would recommend is first picking up the towel from the ground and putting it back where you wanted it to be without saying anything yet. I would then concisely explain that they need to accept your choice, and that if they can do that for a particular amount of time (maybe 5 minutes) then they could choose a decorative item that they want to put in the kitchen. Starting with a small interval of time like 5 minutes can give them some practice while ensuring that they do not become too overwhelmed. If they are responsive to that, this is great! They can choose an awesome new item to put on the kitchen counter, and this may help change their view on last-minute changes. If that compromise is not their preference, you can try engaging them in some positive self-talk to help them get through it. Some great examples are "I will be okay, this is no big deal for me" or "I can be flexible!" Even if it does not perfectly go the way you would like, it's only day one! Remember you can always keep practicing another day.

Sometimes to avoid escalation, you can provide a warning prior to completing any change in routine. In the above scenario, I would say "In 15 minutes I am going to be changing the towels in the kitchen to my new green ones" while holding up the green kitchen towels. This is called an antecedent manipulation, which is a precursor to modify a situation to decrease the likelihood of an undesirable behavior like arguing or tantrumming. This will give you child a head's up, which can be very helpful especially when they are just starting to learn flexibility. 

Below I have a list of ideas for contrived on naturalistic situations in which the child may be able to learn how to be more flexible at this time:

• Taking a new route to the mall
• Buying a new item that you do not usually purchase at the grocery store
• Changing what the family is having for dinner one night

Remind your kiddo that learning to be flexible shouldn't take away from their sense of safety or self-advocacy. For instance, if someone unfamiliar and new comes to school and says "I know your mom/dad, they told me to pick you up," they do not need to accept that and join them in the car. However, combatting small changes throughout their will allow them to feel safer and more prepared when the unexpected happens. 

And remember, YOU are their rock, and they learn from the best! Even when you are in unexpected situations, show your child how you are being flexible too! If you both are driving somewhere and traffic slows your trip, you can say "even though this drive is longer than I expected, I can be calm and listen to music to calm myself down." Pointing out the ways that you are flexible in daily life will show them it's possible and that they can do the same!

Image from: https://www.vectorstock.com/royalty-free-vector/cartoon-human-brain-running-weight-lifting-vector-36081404

Sources:

SEL- Flexible Thinking

3-4 on Flexible Thinking and Dealing with Change

The Proven Ways to Overcome Rigidity and Build Flexibility ini Children with Autism

Unstuck and On Target- Program for Children to Learn Flexibility